Zeebeebee Forum Story
From KneeQuickie
The Zeebeebee Forum Story was started with a post by Cctoide on the 23rd of August, 2005, in the Ephemera forum of the ZBB. This story perhaps makes a leetle bit more sense than last year's Collaborative Short Story. Note that this is the uncut version, and it could be greatly improved by editing. If you want to edit it, please create a new page for the edited version.
The Story
Zompist wook up to the screeching beep of his alarm clock at 5 AM. He always left it so it would wake him up with music, but for some reason, last night, he had set it to buzzer.
He got up and tripped on a USB cord which happened to be lieing[sic] on the ground. Cursing, he proceeded into the bathroom.
He came out ten minutes later, refreshed and ready. Ready to do something. Because, today, he had waken up at five in the morning to ready his house for the Boston ZBB Meet.
But (bad boy) he hadn’t done his necessary chores for Mrs. Zompist. So, sighing, he began to clean the bathtub. It wasn't a pleasant job.
At the same time on the other side of the world, a great thunder was heard as the waters of the Pacific Ocean began to coalesce into a column. The column of water slowly coalesced into a vaguely man-shaped figure, 500 feet tall. As lightning danced around it, details slowly crystalized out of the swirling waters. A curved sword, hanging from the belt; a long flowing robe with strange symbols flowing over the shoulders; a helm, curving over and hiding the face of this mysterious giant; a giant didlo, for some reason hanging from the neck by a cord, along with a necklace of oyster shells and an ID card the size of a large bus.
Danal-Xelhiyat'* the Water Demon had risen again.
Fortunately, the U.S. Military had access to the Scroll of Men'o Dyirulhan, and higher ups open minded enough to know its truths. Although Danal-Xelhyat's rising was a bit earlier than predicted in the Scroll, they still were prepared to move their ships to the Awakening-Place and cast the Counterspell, forever sending the Demon back to the abyss.
An officer, satisfied that this potentially dangerous situation had been handled without any problem whatsoever, got in his car to drive home after a long, tense, night. Suddenly, a white Honda Civic driven by a newly licenced teenager came out from around a corner and hit the officer's car. No one was hurt, save the teenager when his parents beat him later for being a monumental dumbass.
But the noise of the crash woke Rory up. And he was lucky that it did, for just as he rolled onto the floor with a thud, a rabid squirrel came crashing through his window and landed on the bed, its teeth stuck ominously in the very spot where Rory's neck had been a second before.
"SHIT!" screamed Rory loudly as his head hit the floor.
"What happened Rory?" said the astral projection of Ketske, which had just appeared in Rory's room a second before to ask him for a cake recipe.
Just then, an agent of SAK appeared, carrying a laptop and a DVD. He announced, "I am on the lookout for any capitalists or other élites in the area. If you know where there are any, tell me so I can free this city."
Upon hearing the voice of the pestilential beast of the SAK, the mighty Ketske immediately transed herself to his position.
She drew forth her boltcutters of doom, smote him down, and neutered him. Impressed at Ketske's display of badassery, Rory said "Wow. Remind me not to piss you off Ketske. Now, what brings your astral projection to my home?"
The enraged SAKite opened the laptop, inserted the DVD, and activated it, unleashing a slew of images of the many crimes of capitalism and a voice-over preaching endlessly... and then looked up only to find himself in the land of Yomo, the Hell of Japanese mythology. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Damn, that was my preaching DVD. Do I have to use Elfen Lied or The Communist Manifesto Audio Book?" he asked Ketske. Then he suddenly saw that ketske wasn't around there.
Voice of narrator #1: Stop talking about that SAKite already! Go according to script!
Voice of narrator #2: But I'm an anarchist! I want to talk about the SAK! You're infringing on my beliefs!
Voice of narrator #1: Beliefs? Ah, so anarchism is a religion!
Voice of narrator #2: Is not!
Voice of narrator #1: Is too! Now stop this circus and back to the script!
Voice of narrator #2: No!
[sound of two people struggling with something]
Voice of narrator #1: DIE, IDIOT!!!!!
[sound of frying pan whacking someone]
Voice of narrator #1: OK... sorry for the interruption. Well... anyway... Rory was asking ketske why she was in her home...
Back at Rory's house, Ketske sighed and said, "Ah. That was quite enjoyable. Now, dude. Help me out here. Zomp has asked me to bake a cake for the meet today, and I still have no ideas. Help?"
Ketske waited for a response from Rory, but none was forthcoming. Ketske turned to Rory. "I said-" she began, but her voice was silenced when she saw what was in the living room. It was ED 209 from Robocop! What was she to do?
Ketske fumbled in her pockets for the stick of dynamite an aged Injun had handed her many years ago. "You will need this one day," Cheif Squatting Bear had said. how right he was!
Halfway across the world (yet again), in the middle of the night, John Ronald Reuel Tolkien awook from his grave. Looking around in the graveyard, most distressed at his situation, he picked up his briefcase full of linguistic papers and set off, in pursuit of the one and only...that is, finding an internet café as quickly as possible and register[sic] at that damn Zompboard they make such a fuss about in the conlanger's Heaven...so that he can tell them how much of their interpretations of his work is wrong.
Unfortunately, he never quite reached it, because Zomp suddenly appeared and whisked Mr. Tolkien away to his house in order to have someone else do the chores.
So zomp proceeded to ready his house for the latest and greatest of the zbbmeets, going on high ladders to affix colourful decorations to his ceiling and suchlike, while Mr. Tolkien did his dishes and cleaned his bath. Suddenly, zompist, who was in the bath, heard the front door being thrown down, and someone moving into his house. Grabbing a bath towel, he took a bottle of shampoo and stepped out into his bedroom where he found King busily raping his kitten in his bed. Zompist grabbed his gun and took aim at King.
"Go ahead, punk! Make my day!" King yelled.
"Er, shouldn't that be my line?" replied a puzzled Zompist. They both pulled out their copies of the script, and failed to notice the giant slug that had emerged from the bathroom. This slug, you should know, wasn't actually related to Master Yoda, but who the fuck really cares about Star Wars, anyway?
As zompist stared at the slug, King knew that the kitten was just a decoy! It was really just an electric taser gun, which he had to charge up beforehand! King, seeing the tables turned, shot zompist with the taser, causing zompist to drop his gun.
JT, meanwhile, was sitting in the bright Pittsburghian sunlight on CMU campus, lazily enjoying his lunch break. He didn't mind that none of the other ZBBers lived around him. So what if there was a meet in Boston today? He has Pittsburgh things to do.
At the same time, a plane carrying a nuclear bomb was flying over Michigan. It's[sic] target: Pittsburgh.
Only Dewrad could stop it. And he was at home, masturbating to www.nakedasiansluts.com
Another agent of RED (the new name of SAK) appeared, weilding a laptop. He shouted, "Eat EL weapons, counterrevolutionaries! I shall avenge my comrade. Síísiáápítíssa!"
Attempting to activate the DVD playing program on his laptop, he lept back as the computer exploded in a shower of sparks that would have made even the makers of Star Trek green with envy. "Kétua-lua tiánosíssua!" he shouted in a rage.
"Huh? What the hell?" asked Ketske.
"It's these damned Microsoft programs, they can't handle the blood, guts, and brains hurled around in RED's psychological weapons. The laptops often give out," the REDite explained.
Having ejaculated for the third time in an hour to www.nakedasiansluts.com, Dewrad feels his tastes becoming jaded. In order to renew his appetites, he teleports to Boston, hoping to get in on the kitten-action.
Thwarted by Eddy's odious presence, Dewrad becomes enraged and uses his enormous phallus to beat Eddy to death. He then pulps the anarchist's body and makes paper from it. He then prints lolicon HP slash fiction on this paper in an act of cruel irony.
Suddenly, a gay tentacle monster appeared and violated the RED agent. And everybody was happy.
The slug in particular was awed by the graceful, almost whimsical way the monster raped the guy. He was utterly enticed. In his later years, the slug would say that this was the moment that made him decide he wanted to be a tentacle monster.
Sensing a disturbance in the force, er, whatever Ketske's pwning of the RED agent caused a disturbance in but definitely not the force, JT looks up into the sky. With his enhanced Tigerian vision, he spots the plane carrying the nuclear bomb as it passes over Cleveland.
Seizing the opportunity, he launches a missile loaded with industrial-strength Tigerian hot sauce toward the plane, which corrodes around the bomb. The bomb, of course, falls to earth, fortunately landing upon Cleveland. There is peace in the land.
The RED agent gasped and warned, "You have no idea what has begun. The armies of RED will strike with a level of horror few care to contemplate. The Total Psychological People's War will soon begin here. Siúpíípítíssi shall await me in Léépiápítíssa."
He then coughed violently as residual demonsemen oozed out of his butt and died.
Back at Rory's, Ketske had finally gotten a recipe out of the aforementioned person, and returned back to Washington to bake it. Once she had put the first part of the 10-foot-square cake in the oven and grabbed a couple Mountain Dews from the fridge, she settled down on the couch and switched on Fox News.
"Oh hell, it's O'Reilly.. Hey! Let's watch the Simpsons!"
So there she sat on her couch, watching the Simpsons and chatting on #almea when the phone rang. It was Boomajoom, wondering why she hadn't called him in over a week...he felt lonely. He also wanted to know if Ketske was going to the Boston meet, and whether she had heard the news that Cleveland had been nuked.
"Yes, I am going to the meet, dearest Boom; and no, I haven't heard the news," replied Ketske. "I'm just watching the Simpsons now because O'Reilly's on and I'm not a big fan of him. Do tell me what happened, though."
The council of RED was gathered. Each sat on a fake leather glans of a phallic tentacle of a sculpture of Cthulholita that doubled as a meeting table. Each of the council members wore their most mysterious and cabalistic clothes, some with hoods so big that the wearers kept having to push them back.
"It's too dark in here. Is it really a tradition to conduct conspiracies in dimly lit rooms with creepy brick walls or did they just make that up," a council member, Tíípáissi said.
Another, Lúkipúpáissi, snapped, "You made a good class warrior, but you're a sucky cabalist conspirator. Haven't you ever heard of the Free Masons or seen Eva? Dark and ancient rooms are a must."
"Anyway, the problem seems to be this Ketske. She is our target now. Everything seems to lead back to her," explained Xuépáissi as she looked through some artificially aged texts, "Argh, Tíípáissi burnt this one too much. Now it just looks smudged instead of ancient."
Lúkipúpáissi replied, "Actually no, I haven't seen Eva. I have seen pictures of Asuka masturbating herself with a spoon, though"
"Aigh! Eva is- wait, did you say with a spoon?" Xuépáissi said in suprise.
"Yes. It was a big metal spoon. The picture depicted her sticking the handle in her pussy and wiggling it around while she fondled her boobs with her other hand." Lúkipúpáissi said matter-of-factly.
"Wow. That's a very unusual way to masturbate. Not the boob-fondling, but the spoon, I mean." Xuépáissi said.
"I agree", said Lúkipúpáissi, "sure was hot though."
"Undobtedly. Now, please, let us return to the topic of Ketske!" Xuépáissi said in exaspiration.
do something about this stupid ancient wiccan-style outfit," Xuépáissi explained as she pushed her hood back.
Tíípáissi pointed out, "Is it just me, or do we draw entirely too much from anime for an organization that hates Japan? I'm just saying, we've got mangaka working 24-7 to break the Japanese manga monopoly, but why? What is the big deal with manga if we're supposed to hate Japan?"
"Haven't you read the Theory and Practice of Oligarchial Capitalism? It's part of the Sentimentalist Manifesto package. By detourning the weapons of Lússua and Lákunalua, we can undermine the Hyperreality and prevent the creation of the setotopónexessuáá altogether," Lúkipúpáissi snapped.
"Well, to be honest, all the references to holy coffee made me think it was a cookbook of some kind, so I didn't think it was that important. I mostly skipped over it to get to the parts with Siúpíípáissi masturbating her phallic tentacles," replied Tíípáissi.
Lúkipúpáissi shook his head in disappointment, "and you call yourself a member of the Council of RED. This is entirely too problematic. I'm getting a headache from all this stress and shaking my head in disappointment so many times in one day."
At that very moment, the RED council was teleported to a desolate plain, where they were awaited by a tall, masked man. "I've been expecting you," he said. Tíípáissi gave a short whimper of fear. "Who- who are you?" one of the councilmembers stammered. "My name," the mysterious stranger said, "is Fahrvergnügen." After a short and awkward silence, Lúkipúpáissi burst out laughing. "SILENCE!" Fahrvergnügen shrieked. He snapped his fingers, and Lúkipúpáissi instantly was transformed into a glowing map of Cleveland. "Now," he continued, "I have brought you here for a reason."
"And the reason is..." - everyone looked in anticipation at him - "... to berate you."
Out of nowhere, a dark figure appeared... and headed to Lúkipúpáissi. He pulled his hood back... it was his father.
Lúkiboy jumped in his chair and started shaking.
Meanwhile, at the site of zompist's death... Tolkien had run away, trying to get someone to give him a lift but the only car that passed was Feijuada, and after being slipped many, many date rape drugs, was in no shape to drive, and while attempting to pull over for Tolkien he flipped his car and crushed Tolkien. Feijuada crawled out of the car to find him unharmed. Tolkien stood up and said...
Lúkipúpáissi woke up with a start. These meetings were really starting to get to him, when they even started appearing in his nightmares. "I need a vacation," he thought.
Looking out his window, he enjoyed the scenary, the hidden but wonderful city of Xupúmóíkkáisse, the micronation of RED. It was time to begin the Total Psychological People's War, he reminded himself. There simply wasn't any excuse to avoid it anymore.
He had yet another meeting to attend, this one would probably mark the start of the plan to initiate the General Strike, a strike so massive that the entire global working class goes on strike and seizes control of the means of production. It was a wonderous event that awaited RED.
But before anyone could do anything, even so much as think another thought, the entirety of Xupimawhatsit was consumed with a gigantic explosion and the unholy minions of the RED were cleansed from the planet with a nuclear holocaust.
Now, back to the Professor's unfinished sentence.
Foolish mortal! You cannot kill me!" said the Professor. Suddenly,
...Ketske imagined as RED plotted her downfall. The great series of ACCESS mecha suits was being prepared for the People's War. Glorious proletarians were hard at work polishing them for the upcoming Revolution. Soon, Project ACCESS and Project EL would be combined to achieve their ultimate task.
Huge buckets of removed rust were carried away as corroded parts were removed and replaced. Technicians checked the computers to make sure the EL weapons would not jam them at a critical moment.
Tolkien stood up and said "Do you know who the fuck I am? Give me those keys, you bastard!"
Valinta, after dropping off Shintarō Ishihara in Boston to screw with Eddy, arrived at the scene on the side of the highway and got Tolkien so stoned that he calmed down and started making up new Quenya words uner the influence of the sacred herb. Then he gently laid the dear professor in the back of his Mazda RX-7 and offered Feijuada a ride.
Feijuada looked to the open door, then back down the road. Either the date rape drugs were making him hallucinate, or there were hordes of LotR fans running down the highway. They had probably learned about Tolkien's ressurection when they saw it on Tolkien TV, the TV channel that was nothing but live footage of Tolkien's grave. Some of the fanboys were dressed up as Orcs. Others were dressed up as "Elves". Except that Feijuada was sure that Elves wore more than a loincloth. He jumped in the car.
Meanwhile, in Terra Pvlchra, Terra Pvlchra exploded.
Valinta and Feijuada sped off down the highway, handily outrunning the LoTR fans in the little Mazda, with Tolkien curled up behind the seats. Unbeknownst to the crazed fans in hopeless pursuit of Valinta's car, and even the occupants of said car, Tolkien was completing all of his languages as he smoked his way through Valinta's stash.
Valinta decided against making a break for Boston, not yet, to avoid leading the LoTR fans to Zompist's house, which would surely be trashed. Just another hour and he would have outrun them far enough to turn down some country road and make his way to the party...
While the commercials were on on TolkienTV, its crew van chased the little Mazda down the highway, running some Tolkien fans over.
The Mazda took a tight turn and flipped over, but landed on its wheels and proceeded down a secondary road, secluded in the woods.
Valinta, Feijuada, and Tolkien finally arrived in Boston, carefully avoiding the straightedge crews wanting to give them a Boston Beatdown while looking for Zompist's house. They eventually found a house with Ketske in the middle of the yard, surrounded by anarchist blood and lolicon HP slash fiction printed on pulped human flesh. "This must be it!" claimed Valinta and Feijuada as the car eased its way into the driveway and Tolkien slowly came down in the back. The other ZBBers were either standing around in the back or eyeing up the lolicon HP slash fiction with curiosity. Zompist awoke in the bedroom from his taser-induced sleep, unaware of what had transpired so far...
King was nowhere to be found, he had gone to arrange for the delivery of a ton of Futurama DVDs.
The Internationale in Socialese blared throughout the great city of RED. The latest council meeting had reached a decision. The schedule was to be moved up and the General Strike was to be started soon. First, a demonstration of RED's power was necessary, however.
A total of 10 of the finest ACCESS anti-capitalist combat enhancement suits were prepared for the mission over Boston. With a full complement of EL weapons and Bombs of Berkman, each craft was ready to rain down destruction on the bourgeois and decadent city.
the airport, to help Trebor and Etak to Zomp's house.
"Is Ketske here?" inquired Trebor.
"Indeed I am," she replied. "What do you want?"
....King was nowhere to be found, he had gone to the airport, to help Trebor and Etak to Zomp's house.
"Is Ketske here?" inquired Trebor.
"Indeed I am," she replied. "What do you want?"
Suddenly, a BIG FREAKING METEOR fell on RED. Everyone was WIPED OUT, leaving NO CHANCE FOR REBUILDING WHATSOEVER. The next moment, a TON OF NUKES exploded simultaneously, in the same place where RED used to be, just before a VERY BIG CARPET BOMBING took place.
As the scorched earth slowly cooled down, the Basque druids crawled up from their caves and hideouts.
"Man, does this mean we have to do all this all over again?"
Suddenly Trebor's jaw dropped and he started waving his arms excitedly, for he could hear the voice of Jack Layton walking down the street! "Jack Layton! Jack Layton!" he cried.
Ketske was puzzled. "Is he trying out his conlang or something? What is he talking about? What the hell is 'jaqleyton'?
—We now break for a commercial for a few hours. And then we shall see ommy O'Toole's Hotpants: The hottest pants this side of the pond! and now back to our main feature -
Lúkipúpáissi appeared to the 10 mecha pilots. "Today is a glorious day, comrades. Today is the day we put Projects DicloDet and MechCon into action and begin the General Strike!" he announced.
The pilots each looked around with a bit of skepticism despite the Internationale blaring still in the background.
Lúkipúpáissi continued with more enthusiasm than ever, clinching his fist, "Don't you see? This is the culmonation of everything RED has worked on. Soon, the Hyperreality will be gutted and shredded into pieces in a shower of blood and entrails and the Surreality will shine through from beneath as the blood of the Establishment washes away."
Tíípáissi appeared and agreed, "Yes, he's quite right. Now go out there and kill some capitalist pigs before they find this hidden city and destroy us all.
And then Eddy realised that nobody cared, and his characters vanished in a puff of entirely imaginary smoke.
Or maybe not.
... yes? ... no?
Actually, yes. So, everything went back to normal.
*A few hours later*
Darksoul, being Scottish and therefore several hours behind, was just waking up for school. As he thoughfully munched his mini-weetabixes (yes I always have them on school days), his Mum came through and said:
Suddenly, God decided he had had enough of these procrastinating and rather lame socialist wannabes. He sent a few lightning bolts down to Earth that hit the building in which the RED meeting was taking place. It exploded with a noise that Shm Jay would have paid millions to hear.
Back in Boston, Trebor suddenly stopped waving his arms. "Oh, wait," he said. "Why should I give a damn about Jack What's-his-face? I don't even know how to spell the dude's name properly. (Ketske, he's some Canadian politician guy.) Everyone, forget that ever happened. I now wish to return to why I had originally planned to say: 'Ketske, will you go out with me?'"
Darksoul: What about the important topic of what my Mum said to me over breakfast?
Ketske blushed. She was so overcome with emotion that she almost fainted. This is her one chance to be with her true love, Trebor. However, she was so overwhelmed that her glottis closed up, and nothing but a string of ejectives and clicks came out:
"[k_>tK_>t_!t_!t_!t_!t_!t_!t_!t_!t_!t_!t_!]"
Trebor was confused.
Meanwhile in Scotland Darksoul's mother said, "Now, my little Darkykins didn't have any accidents last night, did he?" "What? 'Darkykins'? Don't you even know my real name?" said Darksoul. What followed was a long and fruitless argument, but anywho, back to the main plotline in Boston:
Darksoul: That'll do. Thanks. But anyway, as I'm too tired to think of what happens in Boston, I'll bid you good, errr, morning.
EDIT: OI!!! I just worked out what you said there!
Eddy suddenly appeared. "Let me translate what Ketske just said," he declared. "She was speaking my newest conlang, called Clickish."
Eddy said, "Oh, I'm sorry, but it looks like I have an important meeting to attend to," as he mysteriously left.
Meanwhile, the ACCESS mecha had launched and were now pointing their cloudbuster cannons at the skies of Boston to generate a storm.
Meanwhile, at a trendy nightclub in Midtown Manhattan, Xeon and boomajoom, who were on their way to the meet in Boston, were engaged in a heated argument. Boomajoom didn't want to be at the nightclub, because he viewed the alcohol, skimpy clothing, and loud music as being morally incorrect. Xeon, on the other hand, wanted to stay to pick up women. He was already fed up with his Republican chum; Boom had been listening to CDs of Sean Hannity's Finest Moments every day in the car, all the way from Seattle.
Enough was enough. Xeon smashed his bottle of Heinecken on the bar, and approached Boomajoom with a menacing smirk on his face.
"You like Sean Hannity, therefore you suck," Xeon hissed. "Damn you to the bottom of hell. You and your crew are so horrible that even the devil can't stand you."
"Yeah? You trying to infringe upon my rights, you freakin' liberal?" retorted Boom.
His cell phone suddenly rang. Picking it up, Boom heard the worst news of his teenage years from Whimemsz: "Trebor and Ketske are dating now."
"You know what, Xeon? I don't care about this bipartisan goonery anymore. I must avenge my loss. Trebor must pay for taking my Ketske away." Boom brandished his pistol in the air and stormed off to get into the car.
All this while, JT was enjoying talk radio. However, a nuclear strike somewhere off there started causing interference, which bothered him. He stood up, shouting, "HEY! No nuclear strikes until after Rush Limbaugh is done!"
Of course, being on CMU campus, this started a stampede of angry liberals, brandishing their bottled water and tofu bars as they chased JT down Forbes Avenue. He ducked into the nearby Starbucks, seeking refuge, but it was just as full of tree-huggers as the streets. Thinking quickly, he teleported to the nearest conservative he could think of, Boomajoom.
The only problem was, Boom was driving. He heard something go thump on his roof, and stopped. "What the hell was that?" he wondered. Pulling over onto the side of the road, he got out to investigate.
"Hey Boom!" called out JT.
"Hey dude! This is so freakin' cool, me meeting you. How'd you end up there though?"
"Was runnin' from some freakin' liberals, you know?"
"Yep, definitely. Want to get down and in to the car? I'm headed for the Boston meet."
"What? You're going? Why? Everyone else is a liberal!!!"
"I know," replied Boom, "I know. It's just that Trebor, the goddamn freakin' son of a bitch, has stolen my girl!"
"Ah yes, Trebor. I've never liked him, he's so irritating. Ok, help me down. Let's listen to Rush, I was so rudely interrupted..."
'Er, you know, I happen to be a liberal,' Xeon declared, and this is my car that you're driving, Boom. A couple o' conservatives like you wouldn't want to be caught in a hybrid Honda Civic, would you?'
'You're right,' admitted JT, with a defeated look, 'I'd rather be in something with a HEMI. Those damned Japs don't know how to make a car properly.'
'So...'
'So, I guess I'll be off...
'Hey, what the hell happened to Boom?'
'Didn't you see?' asked Xeon, 'He ran into that church across the street after that transvestite started hitting on him.'
Ketske and Trebor were fucking like jackrabbits in Zompist's broom closet, while everyone else stood around outside, listening in and commenting on the noises they heard.
Suddenly, boom burst through the door wielding the ceremonial broadsword he found while rooting through the trash of some guy who lived a couple of houses down from Zompist.
"TREBOR! YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU" he screamed, stepping through the crowd towards the closet. With unholy strength born of a lover's rage he ripped the closet door from its frame with his bare hands.
Both Ketske and Trebor, who were completely naked, were completely taken by suprise.
"This isn't what it looks like!" Ketske exclaimed!
A final spurt of semen shot out of Trebor's dick, onto her stomach.
"Yes," said Boom, in a voice so calmly sarcastic, yet so infused with rage, "yes Ketske, I'm quite sure you're not doing anything other than fucking Trebor in a closet."
Just then a clown entered the room, and said...
Realising Xeon intended to try and make him get lost (dammit) ,JT walked off down the road instead of towards the church. He noticed the car Boom had used a few minutes ago, and went up to the door (which was missing from Boom having knocked it down) and rang the bell.
Zomp answered it, saying, "Welcome, JT."
"Hello, Mr. Rosenfelder! Would you happen to know where Boomajoom is?"
"Yes, I do," said Zomp, smiling grimly. "He came in while I was in the backyard, sitting up tables for dinner. He's down the hall and to the right. Or at least I think he is, there are a lot of people there right now."
JT thanked the great conworker and followed his directions.
"Hey everyone, this is JT, the designer of Eeeeish! Now, someone tell me what the fuck is going on? You know, I want to get out of here asap, I have a Rush show to listen to, and the only reason I came was because Boom said Trebor had stolen his girl. Or at least I think he did, I had other things on my mind..."
The ten ACCESS mecha arrived over Boston, which had developed clouds because of the cloudbuster weather manipulators they had used earlier. Each got into position and prepared to fire the EL weapon projectors. Eddy looked up and noted that they were rapidly getting ready. He hurried out of Boston.
"Let's see those conservatives withstand that. Two agents of RED dead, that simply isn't acceptable. The General Strike has been held back for far too long. It should have happened a century ago if you ask me," he muttered as he drove away.
Boom cowered in a confessional booth, terrified that the tranny might get to him. He know that the tranny couldn't enter the church (it's hallowed ground) but how long until he starved waiting for a preist?
The Secret Service agents assigned to observing the RED decided to take action. "This must be stopped," said one; his buddies agreed. Calling in air support, the RED's foot soldiers, their commanders, and all the weaponry were destroyed bit by bit.
Suddenly, every molecule that helped compose every RED agent ceased to exist! OMGZ!
By this time, Xeon had arrived at Zomp's house, in the company of the attractive brunette he had picked up at the nightclub in New York. They arrived just in time to catch the tail-end of the Trebor-Ketske commotion.
Xeon got his lady friend another martini, and went to talk to Trebor about his misguidedness...
Back at Zomp's house, Boom was aiming his pistol at Trebor when Whimemsz jumped between them. "Wait a minute, Boom," he said. "Let me lend Treb my gun. He doesn't have one, you see, and couldn't, since he's a Canadian. So it's kinda unfair. In fact, I think you should just leave the guy alone. I doubt he knew the extent of your feelings for Ketske. He probably should have asked Ketske, but we don't know she would've responded truthfully, since being able to fuck someone is an opportunity most people wouldn't miss. Give them the benefit of the doubt. And plus, if you really cared about Ketske, you would let her make up her own mind about who she wants to go out with and the like. Go away."
With that, Boomajoom aimed the pistol at Whimemsz instead.
"Don't touch me," Whimemsz warned; "I have a gun of my own." He reached into his jacket and pulled it out.
Zomp walked towards the crowd of ZBBers and shouted at them to stop. "Give me your weapons," he commanded Boom and Whimemsz. "Trebor and Ketske, go clean yourselves up."
Zomp then tried to grab the guns. In the ensuing scuffle, both guns accidentally fired into the crowd...
Meanwhile, the fashionable people of Boston looked up and saw that the ACCESS mecha weren’t wearing Tommy O’Toole’s Hot Pants and the fashionable people of Boston started laughing and laughing at such unfashionableness. The ACCESS mecha were so embarrassed that they hopped into another dimension to hide their shame, taking their cloudbuster cannons with them, and not making another appearance in the story again.
*song*
If you don’t wear Tommy O’Toole’s Hot Pants You’re gonna havta bring some pot, Vance If you want popularity Or even singularity In Berkshire, Hampshire, or (Wot?!) Hants
So wear Tommy O’Toole’s, the pants so hot that the Rev. Ian Paisley condemns them as being a Papist plot!
And then suddenly Spack jumped out of fucking nowhere and totally whailed on some guy.
Oh, the bullets? They killed the clown.
At that moment, Zomp’s house was invaded by an odd coalition of New Kids on the Block fans and some of the fattest people in Boston.
As well as the diehard Tolkien fans that had chased Valinta.
While all the commotion had occurred, Tolkien had completed Quennya and Sindarin, courtesy of Val's marijuana smuggled in from Canada. He suddenly appeared in the hall where all the ZBBers and the invaders were, and said in a loud voice, in Quenya, "Get out, I say! Get out!" Everyone, except the ZBBers (who were somehow immune to the magic Tolkien performed), fled Zomp's house as fast as they could.
As Darksoul and his Mum were arguing (in Scotland), there was a knock on the door. Darksoul ran to open it. It was Tommy Sheridan!!!! with a box of deep-fried Mars bars!!!!!
Meanwhile, back in Zomp’s house, everyone remaining looked around, and had a funny feeling that things were just not right. Where was JT? And... where were Trebor’s and ketske’s clothes?
JT, unbeknownst to anyone in Zomp’s house, had been spirited away by the fattest people in Boston, who took him into their Humm-Vee (the only car that could carry them) and drove off with him.
And the clothes? The addled New Kids on the Block fans had done some spiriting away of their own, thinking that the clothes belonged to Donnie Wahlberg and were therefore sellable on E-bay for loads of money! (The fact that Donnie Wahlberg was hardly likely to have worn a brassière had not entered into their heads.) They rubbed their hands with glee, thinking of all the money they could raise. It would be enough to buy their next tank of gas!
In all the commotion, nobody noticed that the clown had slowly pulled himself out Zompist's front door and into Valinta's car. He used his rubber nose to make a makeshift bandage for the bullet wound in his stomach, hotwired the car and drove himself to the hospital.
He fell unconcious as he pulled into the parking lot, but fortunately for him, a doctor leaving after his shift to head to the pub noticed the car. He took a look inside, saw the bleeding clown, and immediately ran to get help.
The clown woke up in a hospital bed, surrounded by doctors.
"He's all right, for the time being" the clown heard one of them say.
Satisfied that he wouldn't die, the clown slid back into the comfy warmth of unconciousness. Now all that was left for him to do was exact his vengance on Zompist.
Luckily for Zompist, the Holy Spirit visited the clown while he recovered. He was inspired to become a model Catholic, and all thoughts of revenge fled from his mind, due to the Grace of God. This clown would go on to minister a message of grace and peace to the people of the Middle East, at great risk to himself. In 2027 he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for nearly single-handedly ending the Islamic Extremism movement and uniting the Christian, Jewish, and Muslim faiths. His death in 2043 was universally mourned, and in 2078 Pope Innocent X canonized him St. David of Iraq. He had never taken a second thought about getting revenge on Zompist.
Valinta angrily went to the hospital and took his car back to Zompist's house.
Having seen the "ACCESS mecha" in the sky, Valinta feared that an anime convention was coming to town, and prepared to defend himself from an army of costumed madmen. Fortunately, Spack had appeared out of fucking nowhere and helped the people of Boston ruin their shit. He also killed all of the Tolkien fans so that they wouldn't interfere with the story. Satisfied by the destruction of those harbingers of anime-convention doom in the sky, Valinta said "That should keep those anime nuts away," while lighting a fine stick of incense to bask in the anime-free peace.
...while everyone else was inside, wrapped up in the Trebor/Ketske commotion, Valinta decided to hold a hippie jam fest in the street to celebrate the fact that no anime convention was coming to Boston. Phish decided to get back together and came down to play. Jerry Garcia also jumped out of his grave and came to Boston. Soon, Boomajoom, Trebor, and Ketske noticed the hippie music and scent of patchouli oil forming the backdrop for their argument...
Eddy saw every mecha everywhere explode into dust. He fell to his knees screaming at the top of his lungs. "NOOOOOOO!!!" He found that he couldn't live with himself anymore and he rose to his feet and walked toward the harbor. Before he reached the edge an Algerian slave raider grabbed him and took him to Africa, where he lived out his (few) years laboring to produce hashish in Morocco. He was beaten many times. A lot. I mean, a lot.
Feijuada and Tolkien sat on a sofa in the house, where Feijuada told Tolkien about the widespread fame of his books and the popularity of the movies based on the LotR series. "So, you like my books, huh?" asked Tolkien, visibly proud.
"Well, you know, I liked the Hobbit, but, uh, I never read any of the others..." Tolkien was crushed. It got real uncomfortable. "So, how about some Spaghettios?"
Tolkien looked at the ceiling. Feijuada followed suit. They had no idea about what they were looking at, but it didn't matter, because the next moment, a huge Hummer H2 irrupted through Zomp's big front windows, crashing into the living room, almost running Trebor and Ketske over.
The Hummer's windows were tinted. A door opened, and someone stepped out. It was the brunette Xeon had picked up earlier that night. "Xeon dear! I have a surprise for you!" "What is it, honeyducks?" Xeon asked, walking over to her. Suddenly, she grabbed him by the throat, and shone with a green and yellow aura of Dutch evilness.
"Aayl tel yu fat it is, yu littul punk! HEINEKEN..." She paused to pull off her high-tech, wrap-around mask, only to reveal the face of the stinking rich and hitherto presumed dead Freddy Heineken, son of the founding father of the Heineken Imperium. Sneering, he continued: "IS SPELT FITAUT A 'C'!"
Freddy then proceeded to strangle Xeon, and this would have been the end of our teen-aged Canadian hero, if it wasn't for Valinta, who slew Freddy Heineken and egged the Hummer.
Even before valinta had finished with the egging of the hummer, everyone could hear engines roaring in the distance while Trebor and Ketske flirted some more. The noise could be heard getting closer and closer. Suddenly, Mark's house began shaking. Out there in the street, was a whole battalion of wealthy soccer moms, rappers, and corporate executives seeking vengeance with their Hummer army. They might have killed everyone, but Spack was still in the house, enabling him to come out of fucking nowhere and wail on some guys once more, adding the blood and guts of the Hummer drivers to the already-nasty anarchist blood on the lawn. There was still a slight problem, though, because every Hummer in North America was now lined up on the streets on Boston.
Feijuada walked up to a bloody and exhausted Spack. "You know Spack, I have a great idea."
"What's that?"
"KILL ALL HUMANS."
"What?!"
"I mean, we take these Hummers and sell them for scrap. That way, we make a ton of cash and we eliminate these ugly pollution machines from North America. Whaddya say?"
Spack thought about it. Odds were that he was going to be charged with murder, and he needed to hire some good attorneys. "How soon will we get this money?"
Feijuada looked up at the night (it's at night, right?) sky. "Hmm... in about an hour. Is that good?"
As Spack nodded in the affirmative, tolkien walked outside. "I've thought of a new language!" He waved his papers at the two teenagers.
"Oh, really?" asked Spack. "What's it called?"
"Bukkake... no, Bucace is better." Spack heard Feijuada snort.
"Ahh... maybe you should have a diffetent name." Spack said.
And that is why there are no longer any Hummers in North America.
Now go fetch grandpa some more brandy.
Tolkien, all of a sudden, entered the Hummer, hotwired it, reversed out of the living room and ran away into the night, tires screeching as he cut turns.
"What the fuck?" - a very startled Spack said. "Great... we should get him before he tries to write a new book with that embarassingly-named conlang. Let's go!" - said Feijuada.
The rest of the meet-goers was startled and very still, sat in Mark's sofas. Probably because there was now a huge hole where Mark's front living room windows used to be. Xeon's girlfriend's Hummer had totally torn up Mark's garden.
Just then, Mark erupted from the kitchen. He looked around and dropped the whipped cream he was carrying... Meanwhile, Ketske and Trebor had disappeared again. This was because they had hid in the Hummer's trunk, a fact which Tolkien still ignored...
Being still without clothes (for they had been stolen away by the New Kids on the Block fans), and young, and bored, ketske and Trebor ... You get the picture. Meanwhile, their clothes had been bid up on e-bay to $2, except for ketske’s underthings, which had been bid up to $50.
JT was not enjoying his kidnapping. First the fat people drove him to McDonald’s, where he had a Big Mac combo, but had to watch everyone else eat two. Then they drove him to Boston Market, where he had to watch everyone eat large quantities of chicken. Then they drove him to Pizza Hut, where he had to eat a triple pizza offer, a pizza with three decks. And he had to eat them all alone.
Meanwhile, at Mark's house...
Trebor and Ketske ran into a bedroom and looked for clothes in Mark's closet. All they found were t-shirts covered in Verdurian and Cadhinorian scribbles, but it was the best they had.
Suddenly, another loud boom was heard. And after that, another. And another. The booms were coming from the back of the house. Everyone rushed into the garage... except, there was no garage anymore. There were three big armored black Dodge vans, with the letters "C.R.A.P." painted in red on the side. One had entered through the garage, another had broken through into the kitchen and the third entered the room where Ketske and Trebor were.
Everyone was quiet for a while. Then, someone leaped out of the second van to enter. It was a secret ops agent... with an axe.
"We are from the Community Ready to Axe People! CRAP!" - the agent said, and suddenly the rest of the crew exited the vans, all wielding heavy axes. - "We were sent here to axe someone. Someone by the name of ... Trebor."
Suddenly, Mr. Snnrub...died.
Or so it would seem to the untrained eye! In actual fact, he was in the closet.
The leader of CRAP demanded Trebor's presence, and when he was informed that Trebor had left, he threatened to axe everyone.
Just then, Spack, Dewrad, and the rest of the crew killed everyone in the axe gang in a really fucking badass way deserving of Kung Fu Hustle. Meanwhile, Valinta took off in pursuit of Tolkien's Hummer (don't forget that Trebor and Ketske are in the trunk). It wasn't hard to catch up to them, considering the slow horribleness of the Hummer, but Valinta could do nothing but follow them until Tolkien decided to stop, which wasn't likely to happen anytime soon.
And then Tolkien ran out of gas.
At that very moment Dazi, wearing a burqa, showed up. Everybody immediately stopped what they were doing, ran over to her, and began ripping off the many layers of clothing covering her face. It took over 5 hours. When they finally finished, they realized why Dazi had always refused to let her face be shown.
She was incredibly beautiful.
Dazi was so unearthly beautiful, in fact, that everyone was dumbfounded at the very sight of her radient countinance. Her beauty was such that it was painful to be deprived of it.
They could not look away.
Dazi revealed her true form of Ranilawa, the Real Goddess of Beauty, which is what has mesmerized conquesa. She had used the burqa to keep her true identity a secret so that JT would not call her "sis." All the Terps could do is stare at her mesmerized as they got migraines in fear of treating her as a sex object. Having been exposed to way too much accidental does of hentai, Dazi was immune to the tampe. She stared long and hard at the Terps, releasing an attack of her own to counter theirs. She began to glow and swirls of glitter surrounded her as her shadow swelled in size as she chanted softly in Ranilaga. Out of her shadow stepped the Death of Secrets, Amaya, wielding a pair of long, gleaming knives. She looked around the battlefield, located the Terp who'd attacked Dazi and gave him a mocking salute with one of the knives. "I know where you came from," she told him dispassionately. "I know what it is you wish to hide. Your secrets have lived for quite long enough." A cloud of sheer darkness appeared around her and shot through the air in all directions, including one tendril that enveloped the confused Terp; when the points of dark returned to her, everyone gasped in horror, for those who had hidden things from her now completely lacked their shadows.
A sonic boom occured as a mighty Terpish bioship appeared in the sky. Landing nearby, a Terp stepped out of the cockpit. He noticed Dazi and pulse of rage surged through him.
"What horror! Leviathan's dark touch has grown much stronger in this alternative universe. Murdering Airplane, it looks like we've got our work cut out for us here," he said to the bioship, grunting in agreement.
The enraged Terp unfurled a tampë and aimed it at Dazi. He announced, "There's only one reason a woman would wear a burqa in this area and that is to submit to the Megamachine in as direct a fashion imaginable. It's time to unleash the power of EL on some fundies!"
He fired the tampë as it uploaded horrific memories of ancient (to the perspective of the Terps) Japanese works so violent that no conservative could withstand them. A massive pillar of light appeared and spiralled around Dazi, exploding at the top into the insignia of Terra Pvlchra.
When all of a sudden, every last Terp in existance dropped DEAD with NO HOPE of EVER returing[sic].
As the gas-less Hummer drifted to the side of the road, Valinta pulled up behind it to see what the deal was with Tolkien (and tell him that he had read his books).
However, Tolkien was by this point totally enraged by the fact that Feijuada had not read his books, and so had tied him up and was threatening him with...
Mmmmmm, I like fried Mars-bars.
"Ah! No, no, it's not! No, no, no! She's breaking through the wall around my bioenergetic core!" the Terp said with a cry of terror, "I will not accept the shame! Take them down, Murdering Airplane, after I'm gone!"
The Terp activated a bioselfdestruct device implanted in his back and unleashed a tightly focused beam of detonation forming a pillar of light. The terrible blast shook the Earth violently and left behind a crater where the Terp once stood.
"Is it just me or is that a hint of sadness and anger I'm seeing in the bioship's eyes?" Dazi asked.
Murdering Airplane unfurled his tentacles and seized both Dazi and Amaya. Two more tentacles appeared and poised themselves below Dazi and Amaya, held vulnerable in the air.
It was about a nanometer across. And in case you haven't noticed, Eddy, that was a while back and we've all moved on.
So there.
"No, on second thought, I think it was constipated" Dazi dissoved into the glitter whirlwind and Amaya into liquid shadow. They grabbed a rocket laucher from conquesa, head of the Suicide Pickle Unionist Destruction Squad and fired it at Murdering Airplane's equivalent of a crotch, vaporizing him. They then tossed con quesa a bag of potatoes and a spanish grammar book and went into zomp's house to join the others. They found the BBC headquarters hidden in zomp's TV and convinced the tiny people in it to tell the world where the terp's hideout was and that both Tolkien and a convention of supermodels and chppindales were located there. Everyone in the world but the ZBBers and Tolkien went there and mobbed the place, trampling it all to quarks. Then Dazi went and found some tea and put on dark sunglasses and a newsboy cap. Then Jaaaaaa walked in with a 50 gallon barrel of pickles in his back pocket and yelled "Pickles for everyone!" This caused the mob that had trampled Terra Pvlchra and effectively eradicated every Terp and/or member of RED, SAK or WTF in existence to make its way to the Zompster's house. Luckily, Dazi saw them coming, and she said:"let's all eat pickles to celebrate the end of our story being ruined!"
Every single Terp/RED/whatever object, place, person, everything instantly disappeared because we are all sick of anarchist anime stuff ruining the story. There are no more of them, they will not magically reappear from the the sky, they are fucking GONE!
Tolkien was threatening him with a fist fight. But before he could land a punch, Valinta cleverly blew him some secondhand smoke to calm him down once more.
Upon investigating the Hummer, he found Trebor and Ketske inside.
"Shit," he said. "The Hummer is out of gas, and I only have two seats in my car. Unless one of you can fit in the back with Tolkien, we might have stick around here for a while."
Suddenly Shm Jay rode up on a bicycle built for two with his tarantula puppet and a stack of books in the basket on the front. He said "Help me! Help me! For some reason I can't speak English anymore! Everything I try to say comes out as Spanish! I think aliens are screwing with my mind! Help me! I can understand English, but I can's speak it now!"
But he said it in Spanish, so only Dazi and a few other people understood most of what he was saying.
"Tolkien can get on my bike, and you can take Trebor and Ketske."
Valinta thought for a moment. "well then, which one of you wants to get stuffed in the back? The smallest one should do it."
Ketske and Trebor made goo-goo eyes at each other and said in a luvvy-duvvy voice, “We both want to be stuffed in the back.”
And everyone in Eddy’s universe, being about age 9 in emotional maturity, was so disgusted at the soppiness that they all cried out “Ewwww! Yuck!” and evaporated and were never heard from again.
Valinta thought for a moment and said "how much do you weigh? If your combined weight is over 250-300 pounds, then I'll probably bottom out every time I take a turn."
Trebor and Ketske, like all normal people, had no idea how much they weighed off the top of their head, so Trebor sat in the front to be on the safe side.
Valinta put on a tape of the Al Franken Show and pulled away.
"Where should we go?" he asked Trebor and Ketske.
"Back to Zomp's," replied Trebor.
"I agree," said Ketske. "But before we go any further, Val, I want you to know that you suck. I mean, who the hell listens to Al Franken? Put on Rush or something!"
"No problem," replied Val, turning on Rush. But not the talk-radio dude, but the band...
"Damn you, Val!" shouted Ketske. "Why are you being like this? Grrr!"
"Well, because you didn't specify which Rush you meant! Mwahahahaha!" he replied.
Trebor tried to calm Ketske down, since he likes Rush. He promised her some things I won't mention, since I want this to be clean.
"¡Ay! ¿Por qué nadie me está ayudando? wailed Shm Jay. He ran around in panic, and accidentally brushed up against Ketske.
"Anatatachi wa Rushi wo kiku koto ga dekimasu... Aa, doshite watashi wa eigo wo hanasu koto ga dekimasen ka yo?!" said Ketske in slightly incorrect, panicked Japanese. Apparantly, Shm Jay's inability to speak English had rubbed off on Ketske.
"Oh good, I can speak English again!" said Shm Jay with relief.
"What are you saying, Ketske?" asked a confused trebor. "Baka! Eigo hanashimasen yo!" she said, slapping him in frustration. "I can't believe you sometimes!" "Warum? Ich kanst du verstehen. WAS?! Ich kann nicht Englisch sprechen!" he said grabbing her...in panic. "Demo, watashi wa doitsugo wakarimasen yo!" she replied.
Then the group passed by a certain kind of vehicle with the word "AMBULANCE" painted on it... and ketske suddenly realized she had forgotten how to read Roman letters too. 「アア！英語字を読めないよ！神さまが助けて！んんん！」 She realized, to her horror, that Trebor had held her so hard that he had accidentally started to kiss her.
Just at that moment, they saw something in front of their bike and realized what was causing their linguistic weirdness ...
"Hito da yo! Kyaa! Barintasan! " "Falinda, Actung! Halt!" "Will you two start speaking English already?!" yelled valinta as he swerved to avoid hitting Penelope!
On the radio they heard that all schools and offices except language schools were closed due to the "Babel Syndrome" sweeping the nations of the world at epidemic rates. "At language schools they are all learning each other's new languages and delibrately spreading the virus to learn more languages. FEMA has called in the FBI, CIA, CDC and ZBB to assess the situation.
Suddenly the car ground to a screeching halt as Geddy Lee's voice reached a pitch well beyond what the engine was designed to withstand. Everyone was hurled out onto the ground, where it had suddenly gone very dark. Trebor and ketske suddenly realised that they could not see each other and did not know where the other was.
Back at Zomp's, everyone was wondering where the hell Val and the rest had gotten to.
"Goddammit, I want to serve dinner," grumbled Mr. Rosenfelder. "And four people are missing. Fuck this."
"I'll go look for them, sir," vollunteered Whimemsz. He got into his car and reached for his DNA device: if a person's DNA was entered into the system, the user could find their location with their exact coordinates within a few seconds. Having only Valinta's DNA entered, he searched for the hippie's location. Writing down the coordinates and switching off the device, Whimemsz started driving. He finally reached the place where Valinta's car was, and informed everyone of Zomp's annoyance at their absence.
The only problem was, he wasn't speaking English anymore, he was speaking Ojibwe!
Valinta ignored the incomprehensible Ojibwe as he pondered what Geddy Lee had done to his engine. Perhaps an apex seal... When he realized that it was impossible for any such thing to happen, he drove off, and Whimemsz got in his car and followed the trio back to Zompist's house while Valinta put the Rush tape back on the stereo.
